Classmates,
I was thinking about taking your advice about revising Moving Mountains instead of the Self-Reflection piece. I wrote a poem that I was thinking about adding to Moving Mountains. Please offer any suggestions to make the poem better, where to add the poem, or any other advice you feel would help improve my writing piece. Thank you in advance.
Do we walk right by...
And leave this child lying on the ground
Helpless,
Cold,
Frightened,
Hungry,
Lonely.
Do we walk right by...
Pretending that he does not exist
That his heart does not ache like ours
While he lays there
Hurting,
Crying,
Despairing,
Regretting,
Grieving.
Do we walk right by...
Insisting there is nothing we can do
No difference we can make
Forgetting what we just saw.
Do we walk right by...
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Lisa,
ReplyDeleteI love your poem. I think it would be a great compliment to your Moving Mountains piece. Personally, I would put it first, and then the essay can explain the origin of the poem. But, poetry and essays are personal writing that is best decided by the author. I think wherever you place it, it will have impact.
As far as the poem goes, I might consider finishing it with an answer, yes or no. Obviously, your answer is no, we do not walk right by, but so many do, so I think it is important to put your answer in the poem. It can be as simple as No or you can add a stanza or two to explain why we don't walk by. I hope this helps.
Kelly
Thanks for your input Kelly. I will definitely take it in to consideration when I am revising again and then writing my final piece. I appreciate your timely advice.
ReplyDeleteLisa-
ReplyDeleteI agree with Kelly on answering the question with a yes or no, I think that would bring not only closure to the poem but could be a lead into your moving mountains piece if you wanted to put the poem first and then the reflection/explaination after it. Very nice job with the poem!
Lisa, wow, I am so glad that you have created a poem. How profound and what an impact this is making. I like how you connected each stanza with "do we walk right by" that is really grabbing the attention of the reader. As a closing stanza, what can the average person do that you would recommend to help this person? One more stanza would put closure on your questions throughout the poem. It is really awesome and coming out great. Keep up the great connections, I love it.
ReplyDelete