Do We Walk Right By...
And leave this child on the ground
Helpless,
Cold,
Frightened,
Hungry,
Lonely.
Do We Walk Right By...
Pretending that he does not exist
That his heart does not ache like ours
As he lays there
Hurting,
Crying,
Regretting,
Mourning,
Grieving.
Do We Walk Right By...
Insisting there is nothing we can do
No difference we can make
Forgetting what we just saw.
Pretending,
Ignoring,
Lying,
Judging,
Rejecting.
How Can We Walk Right By...
And teach our children
That it is okay to be
Heartless,
Uncaring,
Selfish,
Insensitive,
Unwilling.
We Couldn't Walk Right By...
Still can't forget
Still want to make a difference
In this child's life
And the lives of many others.
We Couldn't Walk Right By...
Could You?
Excellent revisions Lisa! I like the changes in the main question from Do We Walk Right By? to How Can We Walk Right By? to the statement, We Couldn't Walk Right By and the final question could you? I prefer your ending to a simple yes or no. It conveys what I think you want which is to get the reader to think honestly about what he/she would do in this situation. I think this is exactly what good writers do--make us think and feel. Well done.
ReplyDeleteLisa-
ReplyDeleteI LOVE how you reformatted and added to the poem by answering the question and posing another one for the reader, it really pulls in the reader and makes them think about how they would have handled the situation if they were in your shoes. Nice job :)
Thank you for your comments Andrea. Do you think there is anything that I need to improve on or any other connections that I should make?
ReplyDeleteLisa, this is very creative. First of all, I love the opening page photo! Nice job! The other thing I love what you did was create a balanced ending to the poem. "We couldn't walk right by" That is good because it puts more closure on your writing and it makes the reader think more deeply about what the scene was that you experienced. I like the transitions you have chosen between each stanza, it takes you through a reasoning process that we all can learn from. Nice job!
ReplyDeleteLisa-
ReplyDeleteIn terms of connections or improvements, I think the poem is great as it is however, one thought I had was maybe to add a line about how the child was homeless and I only say this because in your original posting you explain how you found the boy and his circumstances so when we read the poem we know what you are talking about but if someone else read the poem who didn’t know the boy was homeless would they get that same message? I think the way it is written most people can pull that away from the poem but if there was a way to add in the word homeless or something similar maybe in that first stance where you describe the child it might help the reader put things in context. Just a thought, but I think the poem is amazing and you can tell you put a lot of effort and energy into it:)
Lisa, I agree with Andrea, by including some sort of note that this was indeed a homeless person down on life due to his circumstances would be great. We know the story because of your amazing debut at the beginning. Maybe a suggestion would be including a mini-summary like the one you originally did except shorter just before the poem begins. It would be a lead in to your masterpiece! Which is absolutely awesome!
ReplyDeleteThank you all for your advice. I will definitely lead up to the poem in my writing to make it more clear. I agree this will greatly improve my writing piece. Thank you again for all of your feedback.
ReplyDelete